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By: Jehan Mawani - MSW, RSW, BSW, B.Ed., B.A.
In our relationships, especially those we consider close, we strive to achieve harmony. As hard as we try however, conflict is inevitable (we are human!). If conflict is handled with appropriate conflict resolution, communication, and empathy, our bonds can not only recover from, but strengthen through this process.
But how do we approach this? Acknowledging and applying the following in our relationships can help:
Conflict is Natural
There are no two people who are exactly the same, which leads to inevitable challenges and conflict in relationships can often stem from individual differences. These include differences in personalities, values, beliefs, upbringings, experiences, and needs. Personal differences impact our approach to managing issues in relationships. Conflict can arise when individuals have different approaches to handling problems, communicating, managing emotions, and boundary-setting.
Each person also brings their unique needs, desires, and goals to a relationship, and balancing these can become challenging. When one person’s needs are not met, frustration or resentment can build, leading to disagreements or confrontations. While these moments of discord may feel uncomfortable, they can also be beneficial. Conflict provides an opportunity for us to express our feelings, learn more about one another, and work together to find solutions. Learning how to navigate these instances constructively can lead to deeper understanding, improved communication, and stronger bonds over time. The key is not avoiding conflict all together, but to manage it in a way that fosters mutual respect and understanding.
Healthy Versus Unhealthy Conflict
Healthy conflict and unhealthy conflict differ significantly in behaviour, communication, and emotional impact. Unhealthy or toxic conflict creates emotional harm, focuses on blame and attacking character, escalates tension, and prevents resolution. Healthy conflict builds understanding and connection, validates feelings, encourages open communication, and works towards solutions and growth. Here are common signs of healthy and unhealthy conflict:
Name-Calling Vs. Respectful Communication
The unhealthy approach of name-calling involves the use of insulting or demeaning labels against another person, which attacks their character rather than addressing an issue. This can create a hostile environment, can damage trust and self-esteem, and shifts the focus from resolving a problem to hurting the other person.
The opposite is healthy communication where individuals focus on expressing feelings and concerns without attacking or belittling. Everyone communicates in different ways. Because of this we all interpret words, tone, and body language differently, which can lead to misunderstanding. Instead of blaming, a person will use “I” or “I feel” statements to describe their experience and take responsibility for their feelings about it.
✦ Example: I feel overwhelmed when I have to do the dishes by myself every day. I need support from you to help me with the dishes and other chores. Can we talk about how we can do this more evenly?
Defensiveness Vs. Taking Responsibility
The unhealthy approach of defensiveness happens when an individual refuses to take responsibility for their actions, and instead makes excuses, deflects blame, or blames another person. This leads to an escalation in conflict and prevents productive conversation. Often this leads to the other person feeling unheard or invalidated.
When an individual takes responsibility through a healthy conflict approach, they acknowledge and accept their role in the problem, and take responsibility for their actions. This demonstrates accountability and willingness to improve and improves trust within the relationship.
✦ Example: You are right. I did not handle that situation well, and I will try to communicate better next time.
Stonewalling Vs. Engagement and Active Listening
The unhealthy approach of stonewalling happens when an individual shuts down emotionally, withdraws, or refuses to engage in conversation. This may look like the “silent treatment” or avoiding responding entirely. This prevents resolution and escalates tension, while also leaving the other person feeling invalidated or abandoned.
In healthy conflict, both parties remain engaged in the conversation even through difficulty. They use turn-taking to listen and speak, and show they value the others’ perspective. Active listening involves listening to listen, and not to respond. It involves empathy through reflecting back what the other person is saying and confirming understanding.
✦ Example: What I am hearing is you are frustrated about this situation. How about we work together to figure out a solution that works for both of us.
Understanding Triggers
Learning to recognize and avoid triggering behaviours that escalate conflict is key to fostering healthier and more constructive communication in relationships. This involves recognizing and acknowledging our personal triggers, developing emotional intelligence, and using techniques to prevent escalation.
Personal Triggers
Everyone has emotional trigger buttons that, when pressed, can lead to strong reactions that may be out of proportion to the current situation. These stem from deeply held beliefs, past experiences, or our insecurities. We are responsible to take the time to reflect on what triggers us in conflicts. Examples of this include feeling criticized, dismissed, or ignored.
Once we recognize what triggers us, we can share that information with those close to us. This helps us be mindful of sensitivities, interactions, and reactions in the future, and give our loved ones more information to support us when navigating conflict.
✦ Example: When I feel like my efforts aren’t acknowledged, I can become defensive. Can we avoid using words like ‘always’ or ‘never’? This will help me stay calm.
Emotional Intelligence
A central element of Emotional Intelligence involves understanding our own emotions, and how they influence our behaviours. When we feel angry or upset, taking a step back before responding and asking ourselves, what am I feeling right now? or why am I feeling this way? or where is this coming from for me? can support with an impulsive reaction.
Emotional intelligence also includes empathizing and understanding another’s emotions. Before assuming the worst, we can try to understand their reaction.
✦ Example: It seems like you are feeling frustrated. Are you open to talking about what may be bothering you?
De-Escalation Techniques
When conflict starts to heat up it is important to recognize the signs. These can include but are not limited to raising voices or tensing body language. Here, it is helpful to use de-escalation techniques such as maintaining calmness through tone and body language, deep breathing or using grounding techniques, taking a short break to cool down, and communicating what you are doing.
Using humour gently and sparingly may also be helpful at the right moment. Make sure the other person is in a receptive state and avoid sarcasm or mocking which can escalate the situation. A lighthearted or gentle comment can sometimes diffuse tension, break the emotional intensity, and open a path to resolution.
✦ Example: I am feeling too upset right now. Can we take a 15-minute break and come back to this when we’ve both cooled down?”
Repair After Conflicts
Collaborative Problem-Solving
Instead of viewing conflict as a competition where one person wins and the other loses, adopt a mindset of collaboration. Both individuals should work together and not against one another to solve the problem
✦ Example: How about we figure out a solution together that works for both of us. What do you think would help?
Seek Professional Help if Needed
Counselling or therapy can support conflicts that frequently escalate or feel out of control. Here, tools can be provided and learned for managing conflict more effectively. A professional can help both partners recognize unhealthy patterns and replace them with more constructive ones. Connect with us at Building You Counselling to learn more about our individual and couples counselling supports!
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