By: Alisha MacIsaac - BSc, MACP, CCC

Failure is often perceived as something to avoid - a reflection of inadequacy or incompetence. The reality is, that could not be further from the truth. Not only is failure an inevitable part of life, it is a critical component of personal growth. Without it, there would be little opportunity for improvement, developing new skills, or building resilience. Shifting your mentality from viewing failure as a sign of weakness or a measure of worth, to viewing these setbacks as a necessary part of the journey toward success and personal growth, can help you to overcome barriers and limitations as you pursue your goals.
Personal shortcomings teach us valuable lessons that cannot be experienced to the same degree with successful outcomes. For instance, when we fail, we are forced to self-reflect, confront our limitations, assess what went wrong, and determine what needs to change. We develop critical thinking skills, resilience, and adaptability—all essential traits for navigating life’s challenges. As an added benefit, failure provides us with the opportunity to reevaluate our path and make adjustments. Sometimes, what we think we want is not aligned with our true values or desires, and failure can serve as a course-correcting tool that guides us to more authentic outcomes.
Why Are We So Afraid?
Despite the benefits of failure, many people are paralyzed by the thought of it. The fear connected to failure can be so overwhelming that it prevents them from trying new things, taking risks, or pursuing their passions. But why exactly is failure such a terrifying notion for so many of us? Several psychological factors can contribute to this fear, making it challenging to overcome.
Perfectionism
Perfectionism is one of the most common reasons people fear failure. Perfectionists set unrealistically high standards for themselves and believe that anything less than perfection is unacceptable. This mindset creates intense pressure to avoid mistakes at all costs, which often leads to procrastination and avoidance. When failures occur, perfectionists tend to feel that they are unworthy or inadequate. This reinforces their existing fear of failure, and often negatively impacts their self-esteem.
Childhood Experiences
Our early experiences shape how we perceive failure. If we were raised in an environment where failure was harshly punished or criticized, we may internalize the message that this is unacceptable. In contrast, if we were overly sheltered or protected from failure, we may not have developed the resilience needed to cope with setbacks. These early messages influence our adult responses to failure and can lead to heightened anxiety and fear.
Fear of Judgment
For many, the fear of failure is tied to the fear of judgment from others. We live in a world where success is often celebrated and failure is criticized. While the definitions of success and failure may shift based on family and cultural beliefs, the pressure to meet societal expectations and prove our worth persists. This can create a narrative where we fear that others will see us as weak, incapable, or less-than if we make mistakes or face setbacks This in turn, can lead to shame, embarrassment, isolation, depression and other harmful consequences.
Lack of Self-Efficacy
Self-efficacy is our belief in our own ability to succeed in specific situations. When we lack confidence in our abilities, failure can feel overwhelming. We may question our worth or feel like we are not capable of achieving our goals. A lack of self-efficacy makes it difficult to approach challenges with a growth mindset, as we are more likely to view failure as a permanent reflection of our abilities.
Trauma and Past Failures
For some, past experiences of failure—especially traumatic ones—can create a deep-seated fear of future failure. If you have faced significant setbacks, disappointments, or rejections in the past, it can be difficult to move forward without the weight of those experiences influencing our perceptions. This fear can prevent us from taking action, which can further reinforce feelings of inadequacy and helplessness.
How to Change Your Relationship With Failure
Understanding the roots of our fear of failure is the first step toward overcoming it. Once we recognize the factors that contribute to this fear, we can begin to shift our mindset and adopt a healthier perspective. Reframing how we view failure can help us approach setbacks with curiosity and resilience rather than shame and avoidance.
1. Embrace a Growth Mindset
One of the most effective ways to reframe how we perceive failure is to embrace a growth mindset. A growth mindset, as opposed to a fixed mindset, is the belief that abilities and intelligence can be developed through effort, learning, and persistence. People with a growth mindset view failure as an opportunity to learn and improve, rather than as a reflection of their inherent abilities. By adopting this mindset, we can shift our focus from avoiding failure to embracing the process of learning and growth.
2. Redefine Success and Failure
Another key aspect of reframing failure is to redefine what success and failure mean to you. Often, we measure success by external standards—such as wealth, status, or approval from others. However, true success is subjective and personal. It can mean pursuing your passion, learning new skills, or developing strong personal relationships. Failure is also subjective. It does not mean you are a failure as a person; it can be redefined to mean that a specific effort didn’t produce the desired result.
3. Focus on What You Put In, Not Just What You Get Out
Instead of looking only at the outcomes of our efforts, it can be helpful to focus on the process itself. Celebrate the effort you put in, the skills you learned, and the resilience you demonstrated, even if the result wasn’t what you expected.
4. Cultivate Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a powerful tool for coping with failure. When we fail, it is easy to be harsh on ourselves and speak negatively to ourselves. Practicing self-compassion involves treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, just as we would treat a friend who is struggling. Instead of berating or belittling ourselves for failing, we can offer ourselves reassurance and encouragement, recognizing that failure is part of being human and does not define our worth.
5. Reframe the Failure as an Opportunity
Rather than viewing failure as something to avoid at all costs, try viewing it as an opportunity. Each failure provides us with valuable feedback that can inform our next steps, encourages experimentation and innovation, and teaches that success is often the result of trial and error. By viewing failure as a chance to grow and improve, we can transform our fear into motivation and curiosity.
6. Tune Out External Judgments
The fear of failure often stems from concerns about how others will perceive or judge us. This external pressure can cloud our ability to see failure as a normal and necessary part of growth. Work on recognizing when external opinions are shaping your self-perception. Ask yourself, “Whose voice am I hearing?”. Cultivate boundaries with people whose judgments increase your fear of failure, and surround yourself with supportive individuals who value effort and growth.
7. Start Small in Safe Spaces
Overcoming the fear of failure doesn’t mean diving into massive and scary risks right away. Instead, start by allowing yourself to make mistakes in environments where you feel supported. Try experimenting with low-stakes risks, such as attempting a new hobby or sharing an idea in a group of trusted friends. These experiences can create positive associations with risk-taking and help you develop comfort with imperfection.
✦ Changing your relationship with failure is a journey that takes time, patience, and support. If you are struggling with fear of failure or want to learn more about building resilience and self-compassion, our team at Building You is here to help. Reach out to us for guidance, tools, and strategies to navigate setbacks and embrace personal growth!